JOB OPPORTUNITIES!...in the UK

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JOB OPPORTUNITIES!...in the UK

Postby Swing This! » Sat Jan 20, 2007 5:17 pm

If anyone fancies working in the UK, my mate just sent me the following job opportunities and I thought America was the land of opportunity! :lol:
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Precinct Beverage Operative
Salary: 10p for a cup of tea + carrier bags

Harold Ramp & Partners, one of Europe's leading vagrancy consultancies are seeking to recruit an experienced precinct beverage operative to join a busy bench in Newcastle's Eldon Square shopping centre.

The successful candidate will have a proven track record of stumbling around a retail concourse whilst swigging from a bottle of white cider, and will ideally have at least 2 years experience of aggressive shouting at passers by. Shoes without laces are not essential, but would be an advantage.

If you are a purple-faced dedicated team player aged 25-75, looking to expand your career horizons in a challenging yet rewarding post bringing you into close contact with members of the public and security staff, we'd like to hear from you.

For an application bundle contact Mad Jim on the bench opposite Thorntons, Eldon Square, Newcastle Upon Tyne.

HAROLD RAMP & PARTNERS
'Investing in people who shit themselves'
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The methylated Nomadic Group is an expanding nationally-based organisation of hobos working primarily in town centre gutters and paved thoroughfares. We have an active and vibrant development programme and are currently recruiting for the following position to join our South East team

Executive Senior Tramp, 168hrs/wk- circa 20p for a cup of tea + any loose change.

The ideal candidate will be a go-getting self starter with proven muttering skills and at least 10 years experience of standing on a street corner shouting at traffic in a wooly hat. A lack of basic personal hygiene is important as well as one or more of the following:
- A beard full of dried sick
- 4 pairs of ill-fitting trousers
- Foetid stench and colourful facial bruises.
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London Transport operates one of Europe's leading integated rapid mass transit systems. We are looking for a motivated individual to fill a key post which has arisen within our organisation:

Grade 2 Comatose Underground Vagrant
circa 12p for a cup of tea (inc London weighting) + Subsidised travel

You will be required to sleep in an underground train going round on the circle line between the hours of 4am and 12.20am Monday to Saturday. The successful applicant will be expected to work in close proximity to our service users in order to make their journeys as unpleasant as possible, so experience of creating commuter discomfiture and nausea in enclosed spaces will be a distinct advantage.
- Do you have a proven track record of sitting in your own piss?
- Can you fit all your worldly belongings in eight carrier bags?
- Could you render all seats within a 10ft radius of yourself unbearable?

If your answer to these questions is "Arrgh, f**k off, ya f**kin' basa" then we want to hear from you.
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SANS ABODE PLC
TRAMP RECRUITMENT CONSULTANTS

Are you looking to develop your tramping career? We are an agency that will value your experience, professionalism and smell, offering a range of temporary and permanent opportunities. Sans Abode plc are pleased to offer the following vacancies:

-Sinister Muttering Underpass Tramp (Birmingham)
This vacancy has arisen within a dimly-lit Birmingham underpass. An attractive relocation package, including a wet sleeping bag and a balaclaver is available to the right candidate.

- Dancing Bag Lady (Leicester)
A dancing bag lady is required for the corner of a busy shopping street on a 6mth contract to cover for maternity leave. If you can writhe about like Isadora Duncan on temazapan, with your eyes half closed and a faraway expression on your face, an attractive short term package awaits you in the midlands.

- Cashpoint Beggar (Glasgow)
An ideal first step on the vagrancy ladder for an ambitious first time tramp. This attractive opportunity offers a competitive package for the right applicant. You will be an excellent communicator and tenacious negotiator who can engage positively with cashpoint customers in order to relieve them of their spare change. A scrawny dog on a string and a dirty face would be an advantage.

-Senior Cigarette End Search & Collection Operative (Nottingham)
Nottingham Passenger Transport Executive is looking to appoint a senior cigarette end search and collection operative to work amongst the disgusted public at its busy Victoria Bus Station. If you are skilled at spotting, picking up, drying out and smoking discarded dog-ends and you are looking to expand your career aspirations then this job is for you.
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RAMP, RAMP & BAGLADY
Intergrated Tramp Stratagies since 1986

Trainee Wasteground Drinking Companion
salary: £0,0001k for a cup of tea

This is an exciting opportunity for a dynamic, optically un-focused and inarticulate individual to join a close knit team of heavy drinkers working on a patch of rubble strewn ground on the outskirts of Stockport. Duties will include standing and watching an armchair burn while drinking methylated spirits. The ability to make roaring noises is essential. The successful applicant will also demonstrate strong flailing skills and the ability to start a fight with themselves. The ability to occasionally catch fire would also be beneficial.
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KERNOWTRAMP LTD

Senior Bin Rifler- Grade II

We are the largest providers of tramps, bums and vagrants in the South West of England. An opportunity has arisen for a skilled and enthusiastic bin rifler to scavenge through the fast food outlet bins in the Bodmin, Wadebridge and Camelford area. The job will also entail a certain degree of pavement scavenging, so the ability to think on your feet and shoo pigeons off half eaten burgers would be an advantage.
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