Exactly what it says on the tin

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Postby Swing This! » Fri Mar 03, 2006 9:05 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large
gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said, "We agree it was
rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been
charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because
she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
Because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable
teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard
spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
On the spot and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was
sorry, but he didn't have a guage. However, if it was any help,
the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen
Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the
audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was
sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she
recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the
crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt
out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)


A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course,
you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want
to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside.
I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news
is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a
great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck
here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it
and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green
bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,
so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please
give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on
then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm
going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or
your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand
stuck in the door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at
the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your
bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there
and shove them up your a**e sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are
smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest
of the carriage".
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