The wonderful wit of Ronnie Barker ...enjoy...

Exactly what it says on the tin

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The wonderful wit of Ronnie Barker ...enjoy...

Postby Swing This! » Fri Mar 03, 2006 6:40 pm

"The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps
with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones
had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on
duty tomorrow."

"Have you heard the one about the retired general who
said he had not had sex since 1956? His friend said,
'That's a long time ago.' 'I don't know,' the general
replied. 'It's only 20.27 now."

A famous Spoonerism from Open All Hours: "Don't just
crit their siticising".

"There was a strange happening during a performance of
Elgar's Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda
tonight, when the man playing the triangle

"Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the
president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and
goes around giving his colleagues the secret

"We'll continue our investigation into the political
beliefs of nudists. We've already noticed a definite
swing to the left."

"The man who invented the zip fastener was today
honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known
as the Lord of the Flies."

"The toilets at a local police station have been
stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on."

"In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to
an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer
make ends meet."

"The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet
today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with
the chest of drawers."

"Following the dispute with the domestic servants'
union at Buckingham Palace today, the Queen, a radiant
figure in a white silk gown and crimson robe, swept
down the main staircase and through the hall. She then
dusted the cloakroom and vacuumed the lounge."

"The West Drayton man who has kept himself awake every
night for 17 years by snoring has at least found the
answer. He's going to sleep in another room."
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