Musician Jokes

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Musician Jokes

Postby Swing This! » Fri Nov 18, 2005 3:09 pm

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

What's the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
More New Age music.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take
pictures of
it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

"Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?
The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.

The stages of a musician's life:

1. Who is name?
2. Get me name.
3. Get me someone who sounds like name.
4. Get me a young name.
5. Who is name?

St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on
Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What
did you
do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on
Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.

What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?

1. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
2. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't
return
it.
3. The grip.

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.

Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.

How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.

What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the
road,
and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.

What's the difference between drummers and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his
instrument.
After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the
music
store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions,
please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our
accordions are
over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in
the
corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, amazed, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is a radiator."

What's the difference between a female singer and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What's the definition of an optimist?
A musician with a mortgage.
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Postby Rookie » Fri Nov 18, 2005 9:46 pm

:D

How do you call the guys that often hang out with musicians? Drummers
Wisdom hunts me, but I'm faster.
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Postby BluesBopHarry » Fri Nov 18, 2005 11:05 pm

How do you get a rock guitarist to turn down the volume?
Put some sheet music in front of him, and if you want him to shut up completely make sure it doesn´t have tab.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
101, one to change it, and 100 to hold the guitar player who insists on changing it himself.

Who´s the musicians best friend?
The drummer.
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Postby archtop » Fri Dec 30, 2005 6:00 am

The definition of an optimist - an accordian player with a pager.

definition of perfect pitch - throwing a banjo into a dumpster.

Cheers,
Tim
archtop
 
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