It's the way i tell 'em.......

Exactly what it says on the tin

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It's the way i tell 'em.......

Postby Captain Swing » Mon Oct 24, 2005 12:03 am

A man and woman are driving down the motorway in his car. the woman is getting incredibly annoyed as her boyfriend is driving incredibly slowly. She really wants to get to the shops before they close, so she makes a deal. she says, "darling, for every 10 miles an hour faster you drive, i'll remove an item of clothing".

The boyfriend heartily agress with this and increases his speed to 50 miles a hour, and the girl quickly removes her sweater. he then increases the speed to 60 mph and she takes of her skirt. At 70 mph, the bra is off and the boyfriend is getting quite worked up, unfortunately as he accelerates even faster and the knickers come off, he becomes so aroused and distracted by the sight of his naked girlfriend that the car leaves the road and ends up in a ditch.

Luckily, after the initial shock has subsided, they both realise that they are miraculously unhurt - however the boyfriend is trapped in his seat with a broken ankle and can't move.
In great pain, he begs his girlfriend to go for help. Unfortunately, due to the crash and the mangled state of the car, she can't reach any of her clothes. The boyfriend tries to find something to protect her decency, and just reaching down he manages to remove his shoe which he hands to her.

stumbling up the embankment, clutching the shoe to her privates, she manages to get a truck on the motorway to stop, whereupon a worried truck driver climbs down from his cab to find out what the matter is.

Tearfully she explains "Me and my boyfriend have just had a terrible accident and he's completely stuck. Can you call an ambulance please, it's very urgent?"

At this the truck driver looks at her stear stained face, then down at the shoe covering her mound, and shaking his head sadly says "i'm sorry love. if he's that far up, he's a gonner"
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Postby justjack » Mon Oct 24, 2005 4:42 am

Oh, you've been missed, Cap'n. Welcome home! I can hardly wait for the father's visit next weekend-I'll have something to tell him now...

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Postby BluesBopHarry » Mon Oct 24, 2005 7:05 am

:lol: :lol:
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Postby Zoot » Mon Oct 24, 2005 11:05 am

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
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Postby Captain Swing » Mon Oct 24, 2005 11:53 am

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his underpants. A woman dressed as a prostitute goes up to him and says, "what are you here as?"

He replies, "I'm a premature ejaculation."

"How are you a premature ejaculation?"

"I've just come in my pants."
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Postby Rich » Thu Oct 27, 2005 8:25 pm

Linford Christie walks into a golf club and asks to play a round of golf..

"Sorry this is a members only club. You'll have to go to the club down the road.. it's only 10 minutes away."

"But i'm Linford Christie!?"

"Ok.. 5 minutes away."
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Postby Eb9 » Thu Oct 27, 2005 11:52 pm

I went to see my Doctor the other day, he told me, ?You?ve got hypochondria,? I said ?Not that as well !!!?
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Postby Captain Swing » Sun Feb 05, 2006 3:23 am

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre..........

They manage to swim to a small island.......

and they lived there for a couple of years............

doing what's natural for men and women to do.....

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing...................

She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.........

It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course..............

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.....................


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Postby Captain Swing » Sun Feb 05, 2006 3:29 am

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home, got caught short. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her knickers and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set which she didn't want to ruin but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

They then made off for home.The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without her knickers."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."
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Postby Nev » Sun Feb 26, 2006 4:54 am

A woman takes her rabbit to the vet and asks the surgeon to take a look at it. After a short inspection, the Vet turns to the woman and says

'I'm afraid your rabbit is dead'

The poor woman starts to shake with grief and shouts

'NO! I can't be true, I want a second opinion'

The vet agrees and leaves the room. After a short while, he returns with a cat under his arm and places the cat on the table next to the dead rabbit
The cat looks the rabbit up and down a few times and then looks at the woman and shakes its head.

The woman shouts

'NO! I can't be true, I want a third opinion'

The vet picks up the cat and leaves the room. After a short while he returns with a labrador on a leash. The dog looks at the rabbit and then at the woman and shakes it's head.

The woman says through her tears 'OK, I believe my poor rabbit IS dead'

As the woman is leaving the surgery, the vet presents her with his bill.

The woman says

'175 quid for telling me my rabbit is dead? This can't be right!

The Vet replies

Well, it would have been 30 quid, but you insisted on a Cat scan and a Lab report!
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Postby Swing This! » Mon Feb 27, 2006 12:34 am

overheard on the streets of America...if, during the recent quayle hunting accident, Dick Cheney had shot George W. Bush...he might have been accused of having motive! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby Nev » Mon Feb 27, 2006 9:05 am

Whats brown and sounds like a bell?

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